Don't count your weasels before they pop.
<br/><br/>
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
<br/><br/>
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
<br/><br/>
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
<br/><br/>
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
<br/><br/>
Look out!  Behind you!
<br/><br/>
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
<br/><br/>
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
<br/><br/>
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
<br/><br/>
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
<br/><br/>
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
<br/><br/>
It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
<br/><br/>
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
<br/><br/>
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
<br/><br/>
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.
<br/><br/>
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty.
<br/><br/>
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
<br/><br/>
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
<br/><br/>
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
<br/><br/>
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.
<br/><br/>
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
<br/><br/>
I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
<br/><br/>
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
<br/><br/>
Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
<br/><br/>
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
<br/><br/>
The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
<br/><br/>
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
<br/><br/>
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
<br/><br/>
Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex.
<br/><br/>
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.
<br/><br/>
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
<br/><br/>
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
<br/><br/>
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
<br/><br/>
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
<br/><br/>
Don't get even -- get odd!
<br/><br/>
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
<br/><br/>
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
<br/><br/>
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
<br/><br/>
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
<br/><br/>
Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random IRS Audit! Just type in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law..
<br/><br/>
Air is water with holes in it.
<br/><br/>
VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
<br/><br/>
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
<br/><br/>
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
<br/><br/>
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
<br/><br/>
Never put off til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
<br/><br/>
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
<br/><br/>
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
<br/><br/>

<br/><br/>
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
<br/><br/>
Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
<br/><br/>
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
<br/><br/>
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
<br/><br/>
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
<br/><br/>
Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland.
<br/><br/>
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
<br/><br/>
ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!
<br/><br/>
Credo quia absurdum est.
<br/><br/>
Even the samurai have teddy bears, and even the teddy bears get drunk.
<br/><br/>
If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're the sucker.
<br/><br/>
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
<br/><br/>
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
<br/><br/>
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
<br/><br/>
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
<br/><br/>
"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby." -- Robin Hood
<br/><br/>
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
<br/><br/>
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
<br/><br/>
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
<br/><br/>
Don't count your weasels before they pop.
<br/><br/>
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
<br/><br/>
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
<br/><br/>
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
<br/><br/>
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
<br/><br/>
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
<br/><br/>
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
<br/><br/>
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
<br/><br/>
Be different: conform.
<br/><br/>
Am I ranting?  I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
<br/><br/>
... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
<br/><br/>
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
<br/><br/>
If you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
<br/><br/>
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.
<br/><br/>
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
<br/><br/>
It's better to help people than garden gnomes.
<br/><br/>
"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands." -- Saint Patrick
<br/><br/>
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
<br/><br/>
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
<br/><br/>
No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
<br/><br/>
Q) Why do ducks have flat feet? A) To stamp out forest fires. Q) Why do elephants have flat feet? A) To stamp out flaming ducks.
<br/><br/>
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
<br/><br/>
A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
<br/><br/>
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
<br/><br/>
Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
<br/><br/>
Yesterday upon the stair, I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today -- I think he's from the CIA.
<br/><br/>
A dozen, a gross, and a score,<BR>Plus three times the square root of four,<BR>Divided by seven,<BR>Plus five times eleven,<BR>Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
<br/><br/>
In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
<br/><br/>
The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
<br/><br/>
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
<br/><br/>
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
<br/><br/>
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
<br/><br/>
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
<br/><br/>
Never trust a raccoon with a phillips-head screwdriver.
<br/><br/>
It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
<br/><br/>
Omnis Vestri Substructio Es Servus Ad Nobis.
<br/><br/>
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
<br/><br/>
Losing your drivers' license is just life's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
<br/><br/>
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
<br/><br/>
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
<br/><br/>
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
<br/><br/>
Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
<br/><br/>
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
<br/><br/>
The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often.
<br/><br/>
Life to you is a dashing and bold adventure.
<br/><br/>
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
<br/><br/>
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
<br/><br/>
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
<br/><br/>
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so get used to it.
<br/><br/>
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah-nagl fhtagn.
<br/><br/>
Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
<br/><br/>
When all else fails, read the instructions.
<br/><br/>
There's no future in time travel.
<br/><br/>
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
<br/><br/>
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
<br/><br/>
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
<br/><br/>
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
<br/><br/>
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
<br/><br/>
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
<br/><br/>
Faith begins where reason leaves off.
<br/><br/>
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
<br/><br/>
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
<br/><br/>
Hail to the sun god! He sure is a fun god! Ra! Ra! Ra!
<br/><br/>
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
<br/><br/>
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
<br/><br/>
Egotism is the anesthetic given by mother nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
<br/><br/>
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
<br/><br/>
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.
<br/><br/>
I can resist anything but temptation.
<br/><br/>
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
<br/><br/>
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
<br/><br/>
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
<br/><br/>
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
<br/><br/>
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
<br/><br/>
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane.
<br/><br/>
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
<br/><br/>
BE ALERT!!!!  (The world needs more lerts ...)
<br/><br/>
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the combination is locked up in the safe.
<br/><br/>
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
<br/><br/>
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
<br/><br/>
No cat has two tails. My cat has one more tail than no cat, thus my cat has three tails.
<br/><br/>
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
<br/><br/>
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
<br/><br/>
Everything you know is wrong!
<br/><br/>
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention.
<br/><br/>
All the good ones are taken.
<br/><br/>
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
<br/><br/>
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
<br/><br/>
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
<br/><br/>
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
<br/><br/>
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.
<br/><br/>
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
<br/><br/>
Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
<br/><br/>
An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.
<br/><br/>
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
<br/><br/>
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
<br/><br/>
Never trust a person who lies to you, and never lie to a person who trusts you.
<br/><br/>
There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is one of them.
<br/><br/>
A child of five could understand this!  Fetch me a child of five.
<br/><br/>
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
<br/><br/>
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
<br/><br/>
If you can't learn to do it well, at least learn to enjoy doing it badly.
<br/><br/>
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
<br/><br/>
Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!
<br/><br/>
Two can live as cheaply as one for half as long.
<br/><br/>
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
<br/><br/>
Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
<br/><br/>
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
<br/><br/>
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
<br/><br/>
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
<br/><br/>
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
<br/><br/>
The grass is always greener in someone else's bag.
<br/><br/>
We can predict everything, except the future.
<br/><br/>
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.
<br/><br/>
Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
<br/><br/>
A day without sunshine is like night.
<br/><br/>
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
<br/><br/>
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
<br/><br/>
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
<br/><br/>
All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
<br/><br/>
Disk space -- the final frontier!
<br/><br/>
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.
<br/><br/>
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
<br/><br/>
Mind you, moose bites can be pretty nasty.
<br/><br/>
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
<br/><br/>
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.
<br/><br/>
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
<br/><br/>
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost.
<br/><br/>
If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
<br/><br/>
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.
<br/><br/>
...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a courtesy detail.
<br/><br/>
Stay away from flying saucers today.
<br/><br/>
No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
<br/><br/>
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
<br/><br/>
There are 10 kinds of people in the world:  those who understand binary, and those who don't.
<br/><br/>
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
<br/><br/>
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
<br/><br/>
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
<br/><br/>
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
<br/><br/>
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
<br/><br/>
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
<br/><br/>
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
<br/><br/>
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
<br/><br/>
So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
<br/><br/>
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
<br/><br/>
Save a tree - eat a beaver!
<br/><br/>
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
<br/><br/>
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
<br/><br/>
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
<br/><br/>
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
<br/><br/>
Death is only a state of mind.. only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
<br/><br/>
Travel important today; IRS men arrive tomorrow.
<br/><br/>
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
<br/><br/>
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
<br/><br/>
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
<br/><br/>
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
<br/><br/>
Ankh if you love Isis.
<br/><br/>
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
<br/><br/>
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't.
<br/><br/>
<br/><br/>
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
<br/><br/>
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
<br/><br/>
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
<br/><br/>
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
<br/><br/>
Better dumb and happy than smart and without any friends.
<br/><br/>
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
<br/><br/>
I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
<br/><br/>
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.
<br/><br/>
Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble in alcohol..
<br/><br/>
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
<br/><br/>
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
<br/><br/>
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
<br/><br/>
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
<br/><br/>
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's within walking distance.
<br/><br/>
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
<br/><br/>
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
<br/><br/>
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
<br/><br/>
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a tolerance.
<br/><br/>
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
<br/><br/>
If man weren't meant to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can.
<br/><br/>
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
<br/><br/>
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
<br/><br/>
There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
<br/><br/>
Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
<br/><br/>
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art using the bathroom, it tolls for thee.
<br/><br/>
The sum of the Universe is zero.
<br/><br/>
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
<br/><br/>
The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.
<br/><br/>
In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
<br/><br/>
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
<br/><br/>
All your base are belong to us.
<br/><br/>
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
<br/><br/>
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
<br/><br/>
A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
<br/><br/>
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
<br/><br/>
There is a fine line between inspiration and imitation.
<br/><br/>
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
<br/><br/>
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
<br/><br/>
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
<br/><br/>
186,282 miles per second: it isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
<br/><br/>
LSD absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality.
<br/><br/>
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
<br/><br/>
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
<br/><br/>
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
<br/><br/>
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
<br/><br/>
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
<br/><br/>
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
<br/><br/>
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
<br/><br/>
Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
<br/><br/>
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
<br/><br/>
The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
<br/><br/>
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
<br/><br/>
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
<br/><br/>
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
<br/><br/>
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
<br/><br/>
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
<br/><br/>
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
<br/><br/>
Don't count your weasels before they pop.
<br/><br/>
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
<br/><br/>
UFOs are real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
<br/><br/>
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
<br/><br/>
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
<br/><br/>
Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions ...
<br/><br/>
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
<br/><br/>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
<br/><br/>
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
<br/><br/>
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
<br/><br/>
D.C. pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any damage inflicted on the vehicle.
<br/><br/>
Omnis Vestri Substructio Es Servus Ad Nobis.
<br/><br/>
If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
<br/><br/>
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it.
<br/><br/>
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
<br/><br/>
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
<br/><br/>
Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
<br/><br/>
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
<br/><br/>
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
<br/><br/>
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
<br/><br/>
In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is King.
<br/><br/>
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.
<br/><br/>
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
<br/><br/>
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
<br/><br/>
Think honk if you're a telepath.
<br/><br/>
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
<br/><br/>
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
<br/><br/>
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
<br/><br/>
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
<br/><br/>
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
<br/><br/>
Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas.
<br/><br/>
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
<br/><br/>
Words are wasted on those who have no ears.
<br/><br/>
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
<br/><br/>
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
<br/><br/>
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
<br/><br/>
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
<br/><br/>
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
<br/><br/>
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
<br/><br/>
Omnis Vestri Substructio Es Servus Ad Nobis.
<br/><br/>
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
<br/><br/>
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
<br/><br/>
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
<br/><br/>
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
<br/><br/>
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
<br/><br/>
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
<br/><br/>
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.
<br/><br/>
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
<br/><br/>
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
<br/><br/>
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
<br/><br/>
Don't feed the bats tonight.
<br/><br/>
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
<br/><br/>
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
<br/><br/>
However, When you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
<br/><br/>
A penny saved is ridiculous.
<br/><br/>
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
<br/><br/>
Without you, today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterday's.
<br/><br/>
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
<br/><br/>
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
<br/><br/>
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
<br/><br/>
To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
<br/><br/>
The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled today.
<br/><br/>
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
<br/><br/>
Death is life's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
<br/><br/>
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
<br/><br/>
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
<br/><br/>
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
<br/><br/>
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
<br/><br/>
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
<br/><br/>
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
<br/><br/>
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
<br/><br/>
Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
<br/><br/>
Dare to be stupid!
<br/><br/>
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
<br/><br/>
No matter where you go, there you are.
<br/><br/>
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
<br/><br/>
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
<br/><br/>
Did I say 2?  I lied.
<br/><br/>
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
<br/><br/>
Blindness and delusion are inversely proportionate to each other. Everything in between is just harmless fantasy & daydreams.
<br/><br/>
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
<br/><br/>
Who's on first?
<br/><br/>
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
<br/><br/>
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
<br/><br/>
If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
<br/><br/>
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
<br/><br/>
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
<br/><br/>
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
<br/><br/>
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
<br/><br/>
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
<br/><br/>
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
<br/><br/>
All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.
<br/><br/>
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
<br/><br/>
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
<br/><br/>
You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't.
<br/><br/>
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
<br/><br/>
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
<br/><br/>
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
<br/><br/>
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
<br/><br/>
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
<br/><br/>
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
<br/><br/>
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
<br/><br/>
Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs: the chicken was only involved, but the pig was committed.
<br/><br/>
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
<br/><br/>
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
<br/><br/>
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
<br/><br/>
Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.
<br/><br/>
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.
<br/><br/>
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
<br/><br/>
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
<br/><br/>
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
<br/><br/>
Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
<br/><br/>
LSD: better living through chemistry.
<br/><br/>
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
<br/><br/>
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
<br/><br/>
Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
<br/><br/>
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
<br/><br/>
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.
<br/><br/>
Condense soup, not books!
<br/><br/>
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
<br/><br/>
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
<br/><br/>
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
<br/><br/>
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
<br/><br/>
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
<br/><br/>
Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
<br/><br/>
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
<br/><br/>
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
<br/><br/>
If you don't go to other peoples' funerals they won't go to yours.
<br/><br/>
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
<br/><br/>
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse it.
<br/><br/>
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
<br/><br/>
Never trust a person who lies to you, and never lie to a person who trusts you.
<br/><br/>
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
<br/><br/>
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
<br/><br/>
Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
<br/><br/>
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
<br/><br/>
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
<br/><br/>
You too can wear a nose mitten.
<br/><br/>
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
<br/><br/>
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
<br/><br/>
You know you have a small apartment when your Rice Krispies echo.
<br/><br/>
Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
<br/><br/>
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
<br/><br/>
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.
<br/><br/>
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.
<br/><br/>
The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free.
<br/><br/>
A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
<br/><br/>
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
<br/><br/>
"Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees." -- Ronald Reagan
<br/><br/>
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance.
<br/><br/>
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
<br/><br/>
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
<br/><br/>
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
<br/><br/>
Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it IS fun trying..
<br/><br/>